A JOINT STATEMENT FROM DONALD J TRUMP AND HIS PSEUDO SELF-MASQUERADING PUBLICIST, JOHN MILLER

Chattering Teeth News - I recently had the pleasure of sitting down with Donald J Trump and his pseudo self-masquerading Publicist, John Miller for an exclusive interview.

BLADE: First off, thank you for doing this Mister Trump. I though John Miller was going to be joining us today?

JOHN MILLER: I'm right here, okay? And do me a favor. Call me MISTER Miller, Publicist for the great Mister Donald J Trump. It's just a thing, I worked so tremendously hard to get that title, so I'd appreciate it.

BLADE: Errr... uh, Donald? All you did was shift in your chair and put your itty bitty tiny left hand in front of your mouth. I can tell that was you answering as if you were this John Miller character.

TRUMP: You’re telling me about it for the first time and that didn't sound like my voice at all, okay? I have many, many people that are trying to imitate my voice and then you can imagine that.

MILLER: This sounds like one of the scams, one of the many scams — he doesn’t sound like me.

BLADE: RIGHT THERE! You just did it again!

TRUMP: When was this, 25 years ago?

BLADE: It was literally less than 25 seconds ago, but whatever. So, Mister Trump... or Mister Miller... whomever it is I am now addressing. Please answer this question - It's 3am in the White House during a President Trump administration. The phone rings on the crisis hotline. Who answers the phone? John Miller?

TRUMP: Frankly, I can't promise that Madonna won't pick up the phone, okay? That I will tell you.

MILLER: But if the Kremlin's phone rings at 3am and the caller asks Russian President Putin if he has Prince Edwards in a can... that won't be Mister Trump, believe me.

BLADE: Well, we are out of time. Thank you... both for doing this.

A JOINT STATEMENT FROM DONALD J TRUMP AND HIS PSEUDO SELF-MASQUERADING PUBLICIST, JOHN MILLER The United States cannot afford another twenty-five years with Donald Trump and John Miller masquerading as two separate entities. Donald J Trump is a very successful businessman and due in no small part to John Miller's efforts, which is why he has been paid a tremendous, tremendous amount of money over the years. That is why we have taken a very positive step toward unification, as I officially announce my running mate as John Miller. Trump/Miller 2016!

THE END

If a Baboon and a Baby Rhino Released a Joint Statement, Would the Rest of the Safari Care?

In other safari news, a growing majority prefer this pumpkin.

Did Researchers Uncover Transgender Bathroom in King Tut's Tomb?

Recent radar scans of King Tut's Tomb in search for hidden chambers yielded "conflicting results."

As I was reading this linked article, I was well into the second sentence dealing with 'Egyptology' when I noticed my eyelids beginning to droop. "Have I been hit with a tranquilizer dart again?," I mused... as I started going numb. I feeel... sooo... sleeeepy... Zzzzz.

Chattering Teeth News - Today's deep undercover blog assignment takes me to Cairo, Egypt and the Second Annual Tutankhamun Grand Egyptian Museum Conference, where I will be testing my theory that the ancient pyramids were actually gender-neutral restrooms, and not grain silos - as argued by Dr. Ben Carson.

I was able to get a ticket to this conference on Stub Hub, though thankfully my negotiation skills enabled me to talk the Egyptian scalper down from his original asking price of "my first born son." I was just happy to have that old 'Bangles' vinyl album he wanted so badly, and I had already listened to the title track non-stop for the past 2 weeks as research for this undercover assignment.

Regular readers know I take pride as a master of disguise and an uncanny ability to transform myself into a different person (or pharaoh) for each blog assignment. Had I known I would gain ingress to King Tut's sanctuary with relative ease under cover of darkness, I would have spent less time on my disguise - a bath towel skort, a shirtless upper torso adorned with costume jewelry and my favorite sea shell necklace purchased from a Daytona Beach vendor in 1978, and a "ceremonial headress" I fashioned from a few socks and a feathered boa scarf from my college days.

As I approached the burial chamber, I tried desperately to remember how to "walk like an Egyptian" so as not to draw attention to myself. "Let's see... elbows at right angles with one arm up and one down... each hand forming a sort of sock puppet... head on a swivel..." I started to perspire nervously, as I tried to recall my intense Bangles training. Then I remembered to channel my "John Kasich" karate chops.

IT WORKED! I WAS IN!

I advanced through the darkened tomb Using the light from my lighter. Somewhere nearby was Mister T's final resting place - and this was an active archaeological dig site, so I walked gingerly and reverently in my disposable powdered blue hospital booties.

I wanted to be as respectful as I possibly could while conducting my advanced research, so I crushed out my smoldering cigar in the huge bathtub-sized ashtray with the funny man sculture inside that dominated the center of the room. "Now where could that boy king be buried," I wondered aloud.

It was then that the flickering light from my Bic danced across what appeared to be some paintings on the wall. I wondered if this was a new and exciting discovery I had made or if these "hieroglyphics" (for lack of a better word) had already been noticed by the researchers who had trod here before me. Probably not. Hacks.

It was then, when I noticed something vaguely familiar about a certain wall drawing of a man in a skirt. What WAS it? I just couldn't seem to put my finger on it... And then it struck me! EUREKA! My research will RE-WRITE the history books to a GREATER DEGREE than common core EVER COULD!

So in conclusion, the ancient Egyptians used transgendered bathrooms, perpetuating culture rot and helping to led to their ultimate destruction.

It was time for me to go, but like many here before me, I wanted to leave a little something of myself behind for 'posterior' sake.  With a can of blood red spray paint, I tagged over these childish drawings with this:

"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt"

I felt comfortable in the knowledge that my addition to this graffiti wall added a little class to this otherwise humorless tomb.

THE END

The Mercurians

As I wrife thiz, the plantet Mercury iz paszing between the Earth and the sun. (I an cuwwently on tha plant Eartg.) I stard ay this frim mu baxkyatd fir an hpur so i dont zee so guud but iy waz totajjy woryh iy!

Some say this event foretells of an apocalyptic doomsday. All I can say to that is, Trump isn't president yet.

Happy Day, Muthas Sale at Target

Today only!

If you're like me, you're tired of not finding cute shoes in your size.

What was Trump doing on the grassy knoll?

The speculation during the highly contentious Republican primaries has been that the Democrat Party, hand-in-hand with the mainstream media, was simply waiting for Donald Trump to secure the nomination before unloading with both barrels from their voluminous stockpile of anti-Trump material. But who knew they were sitting on THIS bombshell? 

And so it begins, starting with a taste of his own medicine.

Chattering Teeth News - Just what was 17-year-old Donald Trump doing on this grassy knoll on June 14, 1963? Right prior to JFK being shot and nobody even brings it up. I mean, they don't even talk about that. That was reported and nobody talks about it. I mean what was he doing shortly before the death, I mean, before the shooting? It's horrible. The American people deserve to know.

"Frankly, when I said back in January that I could 'shoot somebody and I wouldn't lose voters', I meant it, believe me," Trump told Fox and Friends.

"Maybe Hillary should shut her yapper or her cankles will be dodging more than imaginary Bosnian sniper-fire, this I will tell you."

Spuds pileup on I77

Big rig crash spills 50K pounds of potatoes across I-77

CHARLOTTE, N.C. — A portion of Interstate 77 will be shut down for hours early Friday morning after a tractor-trailer crashed, spilling thousands of potatoes across the highway.

This news story made me very sad as I am a huge fan of semi-tractor trailers loaded with  potatoes. But when life gives you lemons, just make twice-baked mashed potatoes. Or compose a very bad limerick.

A  truck driver to sleep had forgotten
hauling potatoes on I-77 near Wilkinson
crashed into the guard rail
causing engine to sail
but 25 tons of au gratin

Future Flint

It was only yesterday when President Obama visited the ravaged city of Flint and told it's destitute residents, "I've got your back." But today... today something was... different.

As the sun rose over the city of Flint, the citizens awoke to find a shiny new megalopolis of the future.

THANKS OBAMA! 

or maybe it's just the symptoms of advanced lead poisoning.

OBITS: GOP succumbs to itty bitty baby hands

Chattering Teeth News - The Republican Party (GOP), 162, died May 3, 2016 in the State of Indiana following a battle with itty bitty tiny baby hands syndrome. Born on March 20, 1854 in a schoolhouse in Ripon, Wisconsin, the GOP was the anti-slavery party dedicated to preserving the union. Ironically, the ravages of small hands disease transformed it into the party of white supremacists and neo-Nazis dedicated to the union's destruction. During life, the GOP loved the Constitution, limited government, freedom, liberty, free markets, and quiet walks on the beach collecting shells. Left to cherish it's memory are the close family of #NeverTrump patriots and roughly 42% of Republican voters who have an unfavorable view of Trump and will never vote for the orange-faced, narcissistic, NY liberal, reality TV star. In lieu of flowers, Trump supporters may make campaign contribution checks payable directly to"Hillary for America". That is, if they are capable of using their pathetically small and atrophied hand to grasp an ink pen.

R.I.P. Scarface

We've all heard the rhetardical question:
Does a transgendered bear take a dump in the woods behind Target? 
Emphatically, I say 'yes'. If he wants to, that is.

There is an estimated 750 grizzly bears in and around Yellowstone National Park. For the past week, however, there has sadly been one less grizzly roaming far and wide and often within sight of delighted tourists and their cameras. They say he was the most famous of all the grizzlies here, though I don't believe he ever played a guitar or took illegal drugs.

His birth name was bear No. 211, but to most others he was known as 'Scarface', Yellowstone's 'Grand Old Man'. To many, many other unsuspecting tourists he sneaked up on, he was widely known as 'OH SH*T"!
Death at Yellowstone: Feds probe shooting of ‘Scarface,’ the park’s most famed grizzly

He was best known by his nickname, which was inspired by his fight-maimed face and damaged right ear: Scarface. He roamed far, wide and often within sight of delighted tourists and their cameras. He was captured, collared and released by biologists 17 times, making him “one of the most studied bears,” in the region, according to the Associated Press. By last fall, those scientists were warning that Scarface might not make it through the winter: He’d dropped from a peak of 600 pounds to 338 pounds. At 25 years old, he was elderly. [Cubs of a euthanized grizzly that killed a Yellowstone hiker will get a new home] They were right that his time was short. But Scarface didn’t die of natural causes. Last week, the Montana Fish, Wildlife and Parks department released a statement that said No. 211 had been fatally shot in November near Gardiner, Mont., just outside Yellowstone’s northern edge. The bear’s death is now under investigation by U.S. Fish and Wildlife Services,

I took the family on a Yellowstone vacation in 2005. We had one of those surprise grizzly encounters in the woods near Yellowstone falls.  I don't know if it was Scarface (he would have been a rambunctious 14-year-old teenager at the time) and maybe the odds say it probably wasn't. But since he kept walking casually by without ripping out our throats, I will always believe it was him.

R.I.P. Scarface. You were truly a majestic and inspiring creature.

Target store manager Ray P Vans, says sales for household items like duct tape brisk

Target brand perception falls, but it's not 'catastrophic'

More than 1 million people may be roaring against Target's transgender-inclusive bathroom policy, but the possibility of long-term negative effects is slim, experts say. Though that isn't to say the company won't lose a few customers.

As I struggled to read through the first paragraph of this leftwing propagandist progressive 'news' article, I felt my eyelids getting extremely heavy, and they started to droop. I was getting very sleepy... sleeepy... sleeeeepy.

Cue wavy lines for the upcoming blog dream sequence...

I was on another undercover blog assignment to investigate and penetrate the very bowels of the local Target store in an attempt to get to the bottom of what folks thought about this new bathroom policy. I was not ready for the nuggets they dropped on me.

The secret to being a successful deep-cover Chattering Teeth blog reporter is my uncanny ability to transform myself into a different person for each job. Regular readers know I take pride as a master of disguise in order to assimilate to my surroundings and to bring you the rest (room) of the story. This won't be the first time I've worn women's undergarments beneath my Bejeweled Hairy Man Transgendered costume, and I fear it won't be the last. 

I parked my van in one of the few remaining spaces left in the Target lot and zig-zagged through all the other vans as I started for the door.  When I entered the store, there in front of me was a huge Bull Dike greeter who eyed me suspiciously and stated, "Welcome to Target."

I decided to "take the bull by the horns" if you will, and give my disguise the ultimate test. If it failed, this mangirl could easily crush me with her 3-bill linebacker girth. I walked right up to her, sweat dripping from the 3-day growth on my chin and onto my exposed chest hair bursting from my low-cut fluffy blouse. I parted the long, flowing wig hair to the side of my face and asked in a barotone voice through a smear of poorly applied bright red lipstick, "Can you tell me where the ladies room is please? I need to drop a deuce in a hurry!"

As she pointed to the other side of the store, the light reflected on her stubbled face and I swore she looked like a doppleganger for Sandra Fluke, albeit a slightly more attractive version. But the point is, I was in!

I giggled to myself, as I knew I didn't really need to use the restroom. In fact, a regular staple of my disguises includes adult Depends, as I never know how long my undercover assignments will last and I never want to miss a "scoop" due to... well, you get the drift. I just wish I hadn't been wearing this one for the last week and a half in order get the full immersion to my role. Full immersion, indeed.

I found Target store manager Ray P Vans in the back by Sporting Goods putting up a display sign that had a picture of a male child resting on a cot, with a new campaign slogan, "We Got Your Boy Cots Right Here."  He looked up, alerted by my musky scent and alluring grunt.

I interviewed Ray P regarding the new transgendered open-bathroom door policy and its impact on sales. While he admitted the store's clientele has "evolved", he said sales for everyday household items like duct tape, candy and balloons were brisk.

I also learned that Target will be unveiling a new Transgendered-friendly marketing ad campaign to leverage this new market niche. New slogans include:

*Transgendereds welcome. Shop 'til you drop - a deuce in the ladies room!
*Come to Target and Take a Load off Wherever You Like!
*Target - Now Playing The Game of Thrones

THE END

Other past undercover assignments


The NFL’s elaborate security network, and how I Punk'd Roger Goodell.


Will Barack Hussein Obama make historic visit to muslim killer's sanctuary mosque?



Will Denver bar owner sue obama?


PLANNED PRIDEHOOD - Lion King Redux

The Jerk & The Drunk

Failed ex-Speaker and drunkard, John Boehner, likened Ted Cruz to the devil on Wednesday, calling him ‘Lucifer in the flesh’ (that is assuming he read Trump's text correctly through his beer goggles...)

Boehner described the other two GOP hopefuls, Donald Trump and John Kasich, as his “friends.” Boehner said he has played golf with Trump for years and that they were “texting buddies.”

Huh? I am *not* a bum. I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friend Johnny Boehner, and... uh... my thermos.

Yes, some of you like-minded arrowheads may recognize the scene in my meme above from the movie The Jerk with Steve Martin, and you may also remember I am a fanboy of same. Hey, it's only the greatest motion picture of our time.

Mellow Yellow Moore

Obama is coming to Flint?
*lip quiver* IF ONLY... *tear ducts filling*... he would grace us with his planet healing powers! *gasp*


Michael Moore says would drink own urine before Flint water in Obama rant

"Finally, after months of us begging you to come to Flint, you've decided to visit next Wednesday," said Moore in an April 27 post. "I know this will make many people happy and grateful. But, as one who voted for you twice and was thrilled beyond belief over your election, I'm sorry to tell you your visit is too little too late."... Moore argued there is no more need for politicians to visit the city, promises of testing, or "token digging up of pipes" with water flowing through of which he said "I'd drink my own piss before I'd drink that out of that sewer."

My prediction: Michael Moore will be chugging Obama's urine and pleading for more before he departs from his Flint photo-op visit.


Water Blob Beast Spotted in Flint

Tiny Shrimp-like Creatures Lacking Advanced Brains go for Trump and Hillary on East Coast

Tiny Ocean Animals Get "Drunk" on Algae, Act Crazy

Even tiny ocean animals get soused—and not just in seawater.  A common species of plankton in the northern Atlantic Ocean becomes intoxicated when it slurps up toxic algae, a new study says. And just like drunk partygoers, "drunk" plankton take questionable risks.

"They’re eating something that is changing their behavior.”  
Buhleave me.

30 Year Honeymoon Just Gettin' Started

Hold your left hand in front of your face, fingers together with your palm facing away. Now using the pointer finger from your right hand, tap the nail of the left hand's pinkie finger. That represents God's country right here in lower Michigan.

Still trying to get "un-wine-ded" from the great weekend get-away with the love of my life. We drove up last Friday and stayed at a B&B nestled between the Sleeping Bear Dunes National Lakeshore and just south of Leland. I can't do the review of the Snowbird Inn any justice with my word thingys and the limited time I have right now, but this blogger's review sums it up very well.

Thank you, Lisa! It was a pleasure being your very first guests of the season.

Tina and I spent Saturday on the Leelanau Peninsula Wine Trail traversing the wine-ding roads (see what I did there?) through the beautiful rolling hills of the orchard's and vineyards. The first touristy wine trail event isn't until this weekend, so the crowds were fairly sparse - but that just meant 'a little bit more for Santy Claus... a little bit more for Santy Claus...'

We only crossed paths with one wine bus full of drunk women at the Leelanau Wine Cellars in Omena, but other than that it was clear sailing. We also popped in for a quick peak at all five Catholic churches we came across on the trail. These churches either got progressively more beautiful, or my dry red rose-colored glasses were getting foggier and foggier.

Before I knew it, it was Sunday and time to head for home. We didn't even hit half of the 24 wineries on the Leelanau Peninsula (nor was I ever asked to leave any of the establishments I did frequent) so I guess we have reason to go back soon.

Oh yah, today is our 30th Anniversary.