Tuesday, June 9, 2009

The squirrel-proof blog

a mishmash, hodgepodge, pungent potpourri and flowery bouquet of blog words and other assorted BS (the sequel)

Dear blog,
It's possible that I made a mistake in converting my bathroom linen closet to a panic room. Peering around inside of it with my flashlight at 2am one night last week (an unexplained noise woke me up) I realized I had no room to stock snacks for these late night self-confinements. Now my towels are in the freezer side of my 'fridge and the ice cream is in the top shelf of the old lined closet. Now I just have to remember to move the slide lock and door chain to the inside to increase this room's security effectiveness. Hey, nothing's perfect the first time through people!

In the news:
[this] A Real Whopper: Black Hole Is Most Massive Known. "The supermassive black hole is two to three times heftier than previously thought, a new model showed, weighing in at a whopping 6.4 billion times the mass of the sun..."

Why are we focusing in on the black holes weight? Maybe it's just big boned-ed. Say what you want about it, all I know is it's got a good personality and it makes me laugh.

[this] Did you see where Colorado suffered at least five tornadoes on Sunday, with one overturning benches and a car outside a mall in a Denver suburb? Reminds me of the horror I would feel as a youth in a nearby KMart when the strobe would ignite to signal another Blue Light Special. An F5 twister has nothing on a herd of stampeding blue-hairs charging toward a sales bin of discounted t-shirts and mismatched socks. I always sought shelter inside the nearest rack of colorful polyester products and curled into the fetal position to avoid the onslaught of steel walkers, canes and swinging purses. Maybe that's why I always wanted my own panic room?

[this] The search for Bird-proof aircraft engines... I have several so-called squirrel-proof bird feeders that might do the trick. With one of these babies hanging from each engine mount, there would not be a bird spotted for miles. Of course, the National Transportation Safety Board would need to test the safety hazards of swarming flying squirrels.

Speaking of air travel, did you see [this] where Sonia Sotomayor broke her ankle when she tripped (over a squirrel?) at LaGuardia Airport? I would like to think that a wise Supreme Court nominee could successfully negotiate an airport terminal without fracturing a bone. Walk much? Enjoy the trip? Spring forward, fall back? I am against "listmus tests", but how are we supposed to trust your ability to enunciate a generous amount of proper legalese if you can't cite precedent and chew gum simultaneously? This will not stand.

What about [this]? Obama having Iran over for a Fourth-of-July weenie roast. While Obama has said this barbeque has no established preconditions, Mahmood Akmadeenadude has promised to bring the potatoes, chips and heavy water refreshments. Kim Jong-il heard about the hot dog feast and has threatened to use nuclear weapons in a merciless offensive unless Obama invited Pyongyang to the picnic.

*DING!* There's the microwave bell, indicating that my shower towel is thawed. Time for me to bid you adieu and get to work. I'm holding a Blue Light Special on polyester lederhosen today and they are not going to sell themselves people.


  1. Sotomayor is indeed wise, but by fracturing her ankle, she was merely declaring her solidarity with all the other wise women out there suffering from osteoporosis. She's all about the empathy.

  2. Iran Invited for Hot Dogs...
    ...In unrelated news, Pete Stark will be invited over for Christmas.