I've been busy and meant to post this from the mailbag this past Tuesday. Better late than never. You're welcome.
Dear DaBlade @ Chattering Teeth Blog,
I recently started a new job back in January. My predecessor was a real loser, and I inherited such a mess. Believe me! Due to the blunders of this last office-holder, from day one my index fingers have been caught in opposite ends of a tube of woven bamboo! My staff tell me my fingers are stuck in what is called a Chinese finger trap. Considering how unfair and 'one sided' the Chinese trade policies have been, the name makes perfect sense to me.
Despite this seemingly unsolvable Chinese finger trap, I have done such a tremendous job with many, many things. However, this handicap did keep me from repealing and replacing a horrible, horrible health care plan put in place by the previous occupant of this magnificent office. As hard as I tried pulling my fingers out of this coiled monstrosity - and despite having very tiny fingers for a man my size - the loosely woven strands would constrict tighter and tighter. I can't seem to get them out! Needless to say, my fingers are still stuck, and the aforementioned health care plan is still spiraling towards disaster. I will get back to that problem later.
Right now my problems are more immediate. That dumbass predecessor who shall not be named, wove this trap braid by braid. When he drew an imaginary red line, yet failed to enforce it after a competitor crossed it, the trap was complete. All of our competitors have been emboldened ever since, and see my inheritance of these intricately crafted fingercuffs as somehow also binding me to my predecessor's weakness.
While I intend to prove them wrong, I pull and pull until my face turns a darker shade of orange, yet these ties that bind!
And now the red line has been crossed again, this time on my watch, big league! I have no doubt that wispy-moustached Latka looking fella was egged on by that shirtless bear pulling on his strings. He's made the wrong calculus if he thinks I'm too his puppet biotch like my predecessor, and that I will respond by sending him a cheap, plastic toy with a large reset button, this I will tell you!
But my efforts at extricating myself have heretofore been counter-productive.
And to make matters worse, I have this Chinese fella sitting here next to me smirking, and looking at me like I'm as impotent as that last guy. He's probably thinking his little "Mini Me" with the bad haircut back home is also free to cross the red line. Yet, I pull and pull on these Chinese finger basket snares of bamboo that have me imprisoned to no avail!
Help me DaBlade, I have no where else to turn!
Trumped in DC
Dear Mister President,
I have read that in India (or maybe I read this on reddit), they catch monkeys by putting food in a jar. The mouth of the jar is big enough to admit the hand of a monkey when the hand is open, but too small to admit the hand of a monkey which has been balled into a fist. According to the story, the monkey will not open his fist and let go of the food in order to escape from the jar. He closes his fist on the food, and won't let go.
I know what you're thinking: How am I going to get that Chinese fella and his Mini Me with the bad haircut, that wispy 'stached dude and the shirtless bear to all put their paws in a jar?
Good question... Change of plans. Call the shirtless bear and tell him he has mere minutes to get on his horse and ride hard, then launch a bunch of Tomahawks at Latka. While the missiles are flying, turn toward that Chinese visitor and watch his smirk fade as you push your fingers together, causing the trap's openings to loosen off your fingers and fall to the ground. Give him a glass jar with a cheese burger at the bottom and ask if he'd like to deliver it to bad haircut, or if you should.
DaBlade @ Chattering Teeth