My 3AM phonecall to the president

Sometimes when I can't sleep because I'm worried about something, I'll just call the president.

*ring* *ring*

OBAMA: Hello?

ME: Yes Mister President, this is DaBlade for CT news and I wonder if I could ask you a quick question or two...

OBAMA: you know, do me a favor could you say The One instead of mister president? it's just a thing... I worked so hard to get that title so Id appreciate it.

ME: No problaymo mist... er... I mean, "The One". What I need to know is... what if North Korea fires a missile at Hawaii or something?

OBAMA: The United States is fully prepared for any contingencies.

ME: What if the missile's payload is a bunch of benign silk magician's flowers meant to trick you into overreacting?

OBAMA: I don't want to speculate on hypotheticals.

ME: Maybe it's just a really big bottle rocket and Pyongyang wants to give you a Fourth of July surprise by celebrating with us.

OBAMA: I want ... to give assurances to the American people that the t's are crossed and the i's are dotted in terms of what might happen.

ME: OK, I suddenly feel relieved and think I can get to sleep now. Thanks, and good night mist... I mean The One. I'll let you get back to Brian Williams.

OK, I know the phrase "t's crossed and i's dotted" is a figure of speech that means you are fully prepared for every eventuality. However, when Obama says it, I think he means it quite literally. I believe that his faith in the persuasive powers of his rhetorical flourish emanating from his piehole knows no bounds.