Monday, February 18, 2013

Obama defeats Tiger Woods in Golf!

CHATTERING TEETH EXCLUSIVE! What a part time weekend teenage caddy from The Floridian National Golf Club managed to witness and overhear during the golf match between President Obama and Tiger Woods will shock you!

No other source can give you this inside information, as obama's own W.H. press corpse(sic) has been denied access! (spelling and pronunciation of "corp" is out of deference and respect to the president) Apparently, this lack of access makes the press as furious as Gollum without his ring.

My advice to the W.H. press corpse - Obama has drones in the skies above and an itchy trigger finger. If you know what's good for you, collectively shut your pieholes and just be satisfied with the taxpayer funded psychedelic Partridge Family "party bus" full of drugs and hookers.


What we learned from the pimply-faced teenage caddie (and secret Chattering Teeth operative) via a disposable cell phone with prepaid minutes and a hurried call from the porta john at the turn.

1) The match started out with courtesy, mutual respect and good humor, as you would expect. They compared their favorite club at the first tee box. Tiger pulled out his 9-iron, and Obama asked, "Did you win one of your majors with a great shot from that club?" "No," Tiger smirked while answering, "It's the club my ex used to beat the hell out of my SUV."

For the president, he pulled out a pink handled putter he borrowed from Michelle's bag. "Is there special romantic significance to you carrying the First Lady's putter Mister President?," asked Tiger. "None at all, it's just that I broke mine over Biden's head last night when he said something stupid while I was taking putting practice in the oval office. I have to remember to use that bat I have propped up against my desk for photo ops when speaking with a world leader. Makes my skinny ass look tough" joked Obama.

2) The match quickly got serious when Obama outdrove Tiger on the very first shot. Applause erupted from the secret service detail, as they lined the fairway wearing dark suits, sunglasses and bicycle helmets for safety. Obama's detail was an intimidating fan base and also prevented Tiger from investigating the strange air puffs he heard from the tree line after every shot from the president.

3) Sh%# got real on the first green. Tiger is used to disruptive noise while he is trying to putt. An opponent who jingles change in his pocket, or a drunken fan screaming "YOU DA MAN!" during his plumb bob. What he has never had to deal with is an opponent that simply walked up to him prior to a 3 foot putt for the skin, and showing him his Blackberry screen showing a live feed image of Tiger himself, apparently taken from a camera on an armed drone circling the skies overhead. The implicit threat was obvious, and Tiger shanked his putt 10 feet past the hole.

4) According to our source, the president handily won the front, and Tiger disqualified himself for the rest of the round and walked off the course when he learned of the hooker filled bus in the parking lot.

So what were those air puffs after every shot from Obama?

First Divot Golf Ball Deflect System
The FDGBDS utilizes the advanced technology of the Patriot Missile System. However, unlike the Patriot missile system which is designed to detect, target and then destroy an incoming missile that is typically flying at three to five times the speed of sound - the First Divot Deflect system is designed to detect, target and deflect President Obama's errant golf shots back towards the hole. Compared to the Patriot missile system, the First Divot Deflect System is a much more ambitious feat, challenging engineers and scientists like nothing else since the Manhattan Project.

All of this high-tech hardware and software comes with a hefty taxpayer pricetag in the several $Trillions, a veritable bargain when you consider the cost to this country of a detached and bored Obama with time on his hands.

Here's how it works
Obama's sporadic shots require an elaborate tree-based radar system that locates and measures golf ball location, speed, trajectory, atmospheric fluctuations and ball spin. This data is instantly transmitted via satellite to NASA, where their high-speed computers - normally used in tracking earth-threatening asteroids - are re-tasked to digest, compute and predict where the golf ball would land without diversion, taking into account the numerous expected golf cart and tree caroms.

A measured response is computed that will redirect the ball to the fairway, and the electronic instructions are instantly transmitted back to small fairway-lined air cannons. All of this needs to occur in such a way that will minimize the president's suspicion, since his narcissistic and arrogant personality requires that he truly believe he made these golf shots unassisted.

All of this high-tech hardware and software comes with a hefty taxpayer pricetag in the several $Trillions, a veritable bargain when you consider the cost to this country of a detached and bored Obama with time on his hands.

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