Friday, February 1, 2013

"Ain't Noboby Got Time For That" News

If you're like me, you've sold all of your old and broken gold nipple rings for cash to buy gas - and you will not be reading this sentence because that would mean you read past the post title.

Who has time to go beyond the thousands of headlines screaming for your attention each day to actually READ the articles? Ain't noboby got time for that! I know I don't, but thankfully I still have time to read numerous headlines each day while my fertile mind overflowing with effervescence fills in the blanks, allowing me to save time and move on to the next headline.

I'm thinking of making this a Friday feature of the blog, a week in review if you will. First, the blog feature theme...

Heres how this works. I'll give you the actual headline hyper-linked to the story. Feel free to click the link and peruse the topic material, spending countless minutes of your life you can never get back by reading the author's supporting documentation (when REALLY, the title said it all)... Haha! Just kidding. Ain't noboby got time for that!

From earlier this week...

Bigfoot Blamed for Strange Shrieks

Most headlines are easier than this one, and I will admit it was a little tricky for me to ascertain this story's direction. I mean, OF COURSE Bigfoot is blamed for stuff. Who hasn't answered a friend's queery, "What was that strange noise?" with "Oh, that's just Bigfoot"

Or what dude hasn't excited a roadside rest area bathroom, only to warn approaching traveler's, "HOLD YOUR BREATH, I'm pretty sure Bigfoot was in there!" And "I would avoid the final stall if I were you. 'Squatch left tracks."

So my guess (based on experience) is that this story is about Bigfoot, specifically whether or not he uses our nation's roadside Rest Areas.

A series of "guttural grunts, howls and growls" and "sound blasts" led  Sasquatch investigators to this Northern Michigan rest area, where this controversial picture is purported to be of the legendary Bigfoot.

Up next,

Beyonce takes on, then brushes off lip-sync controversy with impromptu media-conference national anthem

Yes, that is the actual title. A little verbose, right? I remember when Operation Desert Storm broke, the next day's headlines - 3 large block letters - WAR. Three letters, but they sent so much information, anxiety, fright, patriotism, etc etc. But when it comes to Beyonce, (one two three... six, nine, carry the four...) much more than 3 letters needed.

As for the story, apparently there was some controversy over Beyonce lip-syncing the anthem during Obama's inauguration and crack party. I didn't actually watch any of this, because if I remember correctly - I was busy that day curling into a fetal ball and sobbing uncontrollably.

According to the headline, She busted out the anthem LIVE to gathered reporters to prove she really can sing. I just don't see how the featured headline would be news unless something unexpected occurred.

Maybe she started singing with Dennis Haysbert's voice. Halbert, of course, is best known as the Allstate spokesman in those commercials featuring different folks who all speak with Halbert's distinct voice. I remember him best as President Palmer from the TV show 24. I think I'd rather hear him sing than suffer any Beyonce.

Ain't noboby got time for that

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