As the sun rises over the vomit-stained deck of the Carnival cruise ship Triumph, there is no place I'd rather be on this special Valentine's Day, and no one I'd rather be with. Yes, the Triumph is expected to arrive today by tow to an undisclosed port in Mobile, Alabama, after becoming disabled by a small fire in the engine room a few days ago. I think there is an investigation, but I'm not worried, as my cheap box of Grenadier cigars are now sleeping with the fishes.
My escort on this tugboat "cruise" is none other than Lennay Kekua, who used to be the fake girlfriend of Notre Dame linebacker, Manti Te'o. I know you counseled me against taking Kekua, but I'm so glad I didn't listen. I think this cruise is the start to a beautiful fake relationship. I'm thinking about giving her a bullet-riddled coin and asking her to be my hostage when we get off this boat. Ain't love grand?
As for my fellow passengers, they all seem to lack a sense of humor. There are 4,000 people on board and we have had little food, and no access to working bathrooms, so folks have been hanging it over the sides when taking care of business and/or getting sick from a spread of norovirus. Well EXCUUUUSE MEEE for trying to cheer them up with my spontaneous outbreak of the theme song from the 1970's TV series Love Boat... Remember that?
Love, exciting and new
Come Aboard. We're expecting you.
Love, life's sweetest reward.
Let it flow, it floats back to you.
It sure does, especially when you miscalculate the windage.
anywho, blah, blah, blah...
Love won't hurt anymore
It's an open smile on a friendly shore.
Yes LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE! It's LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!
Happy V-Day Bro,
P.S. Kekua says "hi"