Sunday, May 11, 2008

Bush wedding: Missionary accomplished!

Jenna and Henry's wedding at the Bush family ranch in Crawford, Texas, went off with a hitch yesterday, and I dreamed I was there. It was a beautiful dream ceremony, other than a few minor disturbances. For example:

During seating prior to the wedding, Helen Thomas made a scene by whacking an usher with her purse for his refusal to seat her in the front row.

John McCain, originally seated on the bride's side of the church, kept getting up and crossing over to the other side of the aisle, at one point bumping into W as he escorted Jenna during the Wedding March. He was finally tethered to his chair so he wouldn't wander off.

Bush made quite a splash of his own, as he swaggered down the aisle in full formal flight suit regalia, complete with long tails that thankfully covered the butt cheeks that his chaps failed to.

The crowd murmured noticeable when the groom's "best man" appeared by his side at the start and was recognized to be none other than Mary Cheney.

Those expecting fireworks, what with the "good" reverend Jeremiah Wright officiating, left disappointed. No "God $#%& America" or "chickens coming home to roost" in his entire sermon.

There was one tense moment, however, when reverend Wright followed his script and got to the traditional part of the ceremony where he stated, "speak now or forever hold your peace." Several things happened at once. Thinking that Wright was challenging his Second Amendment rights to hold his "piece", Cheney stood while simultaneously pulling out his hunting rifle from beneath his tuxedo and let go with a volley of buckshot into the air; John Kerry took this as an invitation to stand and loudly declare that he was "in Vietnam"; while secret service scurried to restore order.

The ceremony had a strange conclusion as Wright prounced Henry and Jenna "man and wife," and only the right side of the church stood and applauded.

At this point, first lady Laura Bush reminded her husband not to forget to "throw Rice" at the happy couple as they exited the church. Doctors report that Condeleeza is expected to make a full recovery.

During the reception, German chancellor Angela Merkel remarked on the beautiful wedding dress worn by Jenna. Mis-remembering an earlier conversation between mother and daughter on this topic, W winked at Merkel and confidently declared that no expense was spared as the dress was designed by none other than "Oscar de la Hoya". Laura immediately corrected him by stating "La Renta". W furrowed his brow at this and said, "A rental? While I appreciate the frugalification, couldn't we afford to buy it for her," as Merkel slowly backed away.

A confused cindy sheehan set up a pup tent outside the boundaries of the crawford ranch wedding site to protest the wedding all alone. W rode out on horseback to take her a piece of wedding cake.

And then the band played. Al Gore was spotted doing "the robot", Nancy Pelosi led the crowd in the chicken dance, and Karl "M.C." Rove was the life of the party, as he danced and rapped to the hokee pokee.

Dick Cheney was also over-served, as evidenced by his prank 3 A.M. phonecall to Senator Clinton, where he asked, "Do you have prince John Edwards in a can?"

George 41 wouldn't give Dick his car keys at the end of the party and insisted he accept a driver. An inebriated Cheney responded by slurring, "Read my lips, no new taxis". At this point, an unamused Barbara put Cheney in a headlock and threw him out the front door.

This is where I awoke. So congratulations to the happy couple. Missionary accomplished!

Late-Night Political Jokes

"Best wishes to President Bush's daughter, Jenna. She's getting married this weekend. I understand both John McCain and Dick Cheney will attend. That way they'll have something old and something blue." --Jay Leno

"Hey, you know who is getting married this weekend? One of the Bush sisters. Jenna Bush is getting married this weekend at her father's place in Crawford, Texas. And this is no surprise: the $2 billion ice sculpture contract went to Halliburton." --David Letterman

"But it's a big deal. I mean, when there's a family wedding, I mean, it's great, isn't it? Everybody gets in the big family wedding spirit, and everybody is helping out with the big Jenna Bush wedding. As a matter of fact right now, right now, Dick Cheney is waterboarding the groom." --David Letterman


  1. DOH! Thanks Mr. Burns. If someone just stumbled onto this without reading anything else here, they might "mis-underestimate" me and not realize I am a huge W fan and plan to begrudgingly vote McCain this fall. Lighten up people! Just thought I would play with some stereotypes and have some fun.