Obese man had to take rental truck to get to Cayuga County Court
How else is he going to transport the necessary quantity of Paczkis, those deep-fried, artery-clogging, jelly-filled donut beauties"? Talk about FAT TUESDAY...
Doug Llewelyn: Welcome to The People's Court TV Dinner. If someone files a lawsuit against you and you're convinced you've done nothing wrong, don't be intimidated. The best policy is to go to court and stand up for your rights...
It's time for the case of "Ironsides returns"...
JUDGE: Please deposit the defendant into the witness stand booth.
PUBLIC DEFENDER: YOU WANT THE BOOTH? HE CAN'T HANDLE THE BOOTH!
DEFENDANT: Your honor, may I approach the bench? *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* (sound of U-Haul backing up to bench).
JUDGE: How does your client plead?
PUBLIC DEFENDER: "Hungry" your honor.
Doug Llewelyn: Obviously, the defense rests. I know, I know. I object too.
Next week on Court TV Dinner...
Police: Army deserter — wearing thong — arrested in Boulder
I had to do a doubletake the first time I read that headline with "thong" and "boulder" in the same sentence. Thankfully, it was not the boulders that deserted (as far as I can tell).
The case of the camo-thonged boulders...
JUDGE: Counselor, why is your client wearing a thong in the courtroom? At least I am wearing a robe over mine. And please tell him that when the bailiff said "All rise!" a few moments ago, he DID NOT MEAN THAT!
PUBLIC DEFENDER: They are "Army camouflage" your honor, if that matters.
JUDGE: How does the client plea?
DEFENDANT: Same as you, your highness. I just whip it out and let her go right over the top of these bad boys!
JUDGE: That's "plea", not "pee" you idiot!
DEFENDANT: OH SUUURE! Desert from the Army only to be caught wearing a thong with panties stuffed in your pocket and suddenly now you're labeled?
PUBLIC DEFENDER: I don't suppose the jury would consider the possibility that the defendant is with special forces on a top secret mission called something like Operation Butt Crack Shield would they?
Doug Llewelyn: "Don't ask, don't tell". That brings us to our next case about that pyscho Suleman chick who just spit out eight babies for a grand total of 14 crumb crunchers (that she knows of). Just who is the baby daddy?
Man Gave Sperm 3 Times, Believes He May Be Octuplets' Dad
Doug Llewelyn: Doctor Otto? Is that you? If Octavius, the villain from Spider-Man Two fame, is the father of the octuplets, he might be the only one who stands a fighting chance keeping up with the diaper changes. But I guess we'll have to wait until next time to find out on Court TV Dinner. In the meantime, don't take the law into your own eight hands. Take 'em to court."