Sunday, February 1, 2009

My First Grade Report Card

I have decided to share my first grade report card with you (BELOW) to disprove my liberal friend Kevin's theory that conservatives aren't funny. Well mister, the typically acerbic Mrs. Thurman, first grade teacher at Freeman School in the southend of Flint in 1968 would have to disagree with you. Might I add that Mrs. Thurman was a highly trained professional, trained in the art of teaching young skulls, then gauging her young captive audience's talents. She was an authority to be trusted.

SIDE NOTE: "Jerry" is pre "DaBlade" days, as I was given this nickname some years later after friends watched in amazement as I shot a par 4 on a hole at Gaylord's Swampfire by blading every club. This was not a demonstration of purposeful shot trickery, rather an inept display of wild club swinging with uncanny and unexplained results. I even hit my putt a little thin, yet the planets were aligned in my favor that day my friends as it dropped mercifully into the hole. What else could my friends do but exclaim "DaBlade!".

Now without further ado, let me present to you EXHIBIT A! Read it and weep my friend! Just go ahead and skip the first 12 week report, when Mrs. Thurman was apparently trying to decide if I was mentally challenged.

As you can see, by the second trimester of first grade Mrs. Thurman states that I was demonstrating "a rare sense of humor," (although the "quiet dreamer" comment leads me to believe that Mrs. Thurman was convinced I was only slightly retarded). Thank goodness my parents did not lose faith and give up on my blossoming talents in the first trimester.

By the third trimester, I think it is obvious that "I was on like Donkey Kong". Not only was I starting to develop an actual personality 36 weeks into my first grade studies, I had also "developed quite a sense of humor and a delightfully dry wit." These comments from a normally humorless and crusty old teacher, made in a space normally reserved for comments to the student's parents about their child's scholastic aptitude. I guess she felt like she covered this ground, for if there is anything that says "FUTURE SCHOLAR" better than this statement: "he does good work when he actually tries," I don't now what does.

Sadly, I cannot remember even an iota of my material from those wonder years. For all I know, I peaked when I was 6 years old and it has been down hill since then. My first grade class might have been a bawdy and raucous display of comedic genious. I don't remember. If I could remember any jokes from these forgotten years, rest assured I would use them here and absolutely kill! The point is, Mrs. Thurman says that I was a funny 6 year old conservative, regardless of the degree to which this talent may have atrophied in the years since. The defense rests.


  1. It's kinda scary that this woman was so preoccupied with psychological issue...says a lot about her.

  2. "...first grade teacher at Freeman School in the southend of Flint in 1968..."
    Um, dude. You're ancient. JK
    Anywho, it is clear that we "conservatives" who have no sense of humor find our fellow no sense of humor "conservatives" to be quite entertaining. So, fuck that kid. I kinda like you.

  3. Oh, and BTW, I have no doubt as to your level of retardation...

  4. I think we have compared notes before but I grew up in the north end of Flint, the Beecher school district. This is one of the "bad" parts of Flint if you can marvel at that.

    As far as report cards, I don't let my kids see mine. I was a real idiot in school when I was young.

  5. I always thought DaBlade referred to Jerry's putting prowess.

  6. RK- im pretty shure i was gooder at reeding and riting to. The last sentence "I enjoyed him" kind of scares me though.
    Linz- Why thank you. I must now go watch judge Wopner.
    Chuck- Small world. We southenders liked to think of ourselves as tough, but we didn't mess with you Beecher boys.
    Bill-CT- Like the Joker of Batman fame, I have many stories for how I got my scars and my nickname. That one was the truth however. Like most good nicknames, you have to be given it by others. It's some kind of Indian law started way back in Chief limp dick's time.

  7. My report card was very similar to yours except there would occasionally be a comment about me having my own monologue going on in the back of the classroom while the teacher was trying to led the class.