Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Do you look like your car?

I stopped at a gas station on the way to work the other day and as I sauntered to the counter with the bottle of steering fluid and large coffee, it struck me just how similar I was to my car. I had always heard that people and their dogs looked eerily similar, but their cars?

I drive a white 2000 Oldsmobile Intrigue that, among other issues, leaks power steering fluid. I know when it's time to reload when it squeaks and complains at startup in the morning. Looking down at my coffee I realized I was no better. I would eventually leak my steering fluid and squeak the next morning until I filled back up.

I then started a mental checklist of all our shared attributes. For starters, they don't even make Olds anymore. They broke the mold on both of us. Many would say that was a good thing. We both are just a little past our prime, but hopefully have a few more miles of tread left on our tires.

The instrument panel in my car perpetually glows with the "Service Engine Soon" light. My wife recognizes that same look in my eyes. Hey, the car and I are both long since paid for, so we get neglected at times.

My car also uses oil. Not really knowing much about engines (READ: mechanically retarded) I figure there is an "O" ring or heat shield missing - as the tailpipe on my car throws oily smoke every so often. I sometimes have to add a pint or two between oil changes. You'll have to talk with my gastroenterologist for a complete list of similar symptoms. Let's just say that I'm happy when my car and I both experience normal movements each morning.

This picture (courtesy of Cartman) shows some front-end damage to my hood. I accidently tapped (at ramming speed) a Your Ride mini bus a few months ago. I was distracted by a friend in the next lane at a stop light. The light turned green and we all accelerated. Except for the bus driver. He correctly understood that the green light for the lefthand turn lane was not intended for those of us in the far right lane. My hood wouldn't close after that and I had a friend who owns a bump shop throw a hammer at the hood so that it would at least latch. The alignment is still off, and there are hammer marks on the nose of my hood, but it functions.

When I was in the 8th grade at Holy Reedemer, I ran into a fist at recess. The next thing I remember was opening my eyes and looking up at a very old nun dressed in her full battle gear habit, staring down at me. My nose required reconstructive plastic surgery (hey, I don't do things half-way people) and I wore a face cast for 2 months after that. I have had a deviated septum ever since. The alignment is still off, and there are hammer marks on my nose, but it functions.

So there you have it. Some similarities I share with my car. I'm sure there are many others, including the fact that we both carry a spare tire. So am I the only one, or do you too look like your car? Maybe you have a Milly Vanilly bumper sticker on your car that matches a rear-end tattoo?


  1. I just reread my morning post and it occurs to me that I may have left the wrong impression. “Sister Aloyisius” was not responsible for throwing the sucker punch haymaker to my schnoz. That’s not to say she didn’t deck me a few times with a well placed clothesline when running in the halls.

    Ah, the Year Of Our Lord, 1975…

  2. If I trade in my old ladies car for a sleek sports how long until i become my new car?

  3. That would be a Cam question.....