Monday, March 20, 2017

Will Judge Gorsuch be Borked or Filibustered? (and who's cat is this?)

The Supreme Court confirmation hearings of Judge Neil M. Gorsuch are set to begin today. He has been cramming for this senate test ever since his nomination and in prep sessions known as "murder boards" where he is peppered with questions about his record and judicial philosophy in attempts to trip him up, just like the democrats are likely to do.

I imagine these mock sessions are sort of like the practice squad on a football team, where player's sole job description is to fill in for this coming weekend's opponent during the season and to get the main team ready for live action. Remember the movie Rudy?

If it were MY JOB to prep Judge Gorsuch to be questioned by the likes of mental giants in the mold of Al Franken and Chuck Schumer, I would spare no expense and go "full immersion" by wearing a large, red clown nose with reading glasses perched low on the nose nob, a faux satellite dish on my head and a large alcoholic drink in my hand. Voila! Instant Working Democrat Senator!

Even most of his critics concede that Judge Gorsuch is wicked smart and poised, so it won't be easy tripping him up. Here is how I imagine my murder board prep session would have gone:

ME: Please state your name for the record, sir.

GORSUCH: Judge Neil Gorsuch.

ME: I asked for your name, not your title. When you say "Judge", do you mean as a name like Judge Reinhold?  Is it your contention then, SIR, that you played Detroit Detective William 'Billy' Rosewood in the Beverly Hills Cop movies!? (*slamming my fist on table*) WERE YOU LYING THEN OR ARE YOU LYING NOW!?

GORSUCH: Do me a favor, can you say ‘Judge’ instead of ‘sir’? It’s just a thing. I worked so hard to get that title, so I’d appreciate it. Thank you.

ME: Oohhhh GOOD FOR YOUUUU! Giving me back a little Barbara Boxer to throw me off balance. Stick and move. Rope-a-dope. I get it. Let's quit circling the "Boxer" ring. Now that we have the niceties out of the way, let's get started...

From the democrat perspective, the purpose of this hearing is to determine whether you are fit enough to sit on the Supreme Court, and like our favorite cRa CrA justices - to not respect our constitution nor our country and make it up as you go in order to continue to enshrine our godless abortion rights laws.

We Democrat Senators are fair, so I offer you the following:

“You can say one sentence to defend yourself. If you lie we will Bork you. If you tell us the truth we will filibuster you.”

What do you say?

**I snicker cuz I'm sure I've GOT HIM either way he answers**

GORSUCH: It’s certain that you will Bork me.

At this point, I imagine Al Franken displaying a look of triumph, thinking he has out-smarted the Judge. But slowly his smile disappears as even his feeble mind begins to untie this 'liar's paradox' knot that Judge Gorsuch has tied him into.

GORSUCH (contines) - If you agree that you will certainly Bork me, then I obviously told you the truth. But if that were the truth, then you must filibuster me, based on the rules of your own question to me. But if you follow that thru and filibuster me, then obviously my answer was indeed a lie. But if a lie, then you must Bork me, making my answer truthful.

***somewhere Schrödinger's cat meows (and Al Franken's head explodes)***


  1. Where is Michelle? Is their Marriage over? Is that why Barrack is so angry and seems to be very revengeful?

  2. The whole process sounds like the old witch hunt days when they'd dunk you in the water and if you lived, you were a witch and you were burned at the stake. If you drowned, you weren't a witch... oops, our bad. Borking sounds so much more refined. They kill your nomination with a thousand media cuts.

    Now, why you dragged Schrodinger's poor cat into this, I don't know. His quantum state is very unstable... you never know where he is much less where he's been.

  3. Hi "Prince" - It is a very good question, and one I asked almost 3 years ["Yah! Two Ramadans Bitches!"]. I am the same age as our illustrious former president (we share a birth year, if not a country of origin). While my wife and I are celebrating our 31st wedding anniversary (which is 6 more years than Barack and Michelle - since I didn't spend 6 useless years community organizing) I can't imagine my wife and I ever wanting to vacation separately - but they have been doing that for years now. He is a sore that simply refuses to heal.

    cube - I meant no harm to "Judge" Schrodinger's feline, and wish it a continued and constant state of being in it's litter box AND simultaneously defecating in the woods in proximity to Hillary's advancing footfall.

  4. P.S. - Prince, I have emailed you my bank routing number and my empty suitcases await your ok to start helping you transport your ample assets.

  5. Cube, Oh I know where Schrodinger's cat has been because he always comes back with lipstick on his fur.

    Gorsuch will win the day ! He can, He Must, He WILL !

  6. Actually I used to look forward to Franken appearances on SNL, particularly with the satellite dish.

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  8. Ed, sorry, I thought stuart smalley was the most boring character on SNL ever.

    But I love ya man.

  9. Hey, Ed sometimes finds me funny so there is no accounting for the man's taste. I'm with kid on stuart tho. he is not good enough, he is not smart enough, and gosh darn it, nobody worth their salt likes him.