Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Island Pursuit

WTF! I just found out that the globe has ALREADY been circumnavigated! WHY DIDN'T SOMEBODY TELL ME THIS BEFORE NOW? Check it out on Google map if you don't believe me. Apparently, every land mass has been accounted for. What the heck am I supposed to do with the boat that I painstakingly hand-carved from the old Willow that used to weep in my back yard? You mean to tell me that I stayed up all night whittling for nothing?

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: This video is not really actual footage of me whittling my boat last night, but rest assured, it is an uncanny representation. I'm not sure what this guy is whittling, nor why his wife is filming him doing this, but I think we can all agree in a bipartisan way that it is fascinating. And frankly, when it comes right down to it, why else would you come to this blog except for random crap like this?

Anywho... what were we discussing? Oh yeah, I remember. The island thing. So I have this shiny new boat, but no place to row to. Even this frozen wasteland I found on the map called "Canada" is already populated, at least according to wiki. I guess I have to give up the dream of finding a tiny uninhabited island, complete with sandy beaches, gentle tropic breezes, palm trees, coconuts, a bamboo hut, and a volleyball to keep me company. *sigh*

THEN THE IDEA STRUCK ME! If it doesn't exist now, why not build one? I could be what they used to call one of those "entra-punewers" they used to have a lot of around these parts until they became extinct around 2009. So I lit up a marijuana stick (hey, they've been legal now for almost as long as tobacco has been illegal - at least here in Michigan, and it all started with something called "proposal 1"). OK, back to my story. So I'm sitting at my computer, smoking a joint and munching on some freeze-dried fruit and human embryo trail mix from a bowl, when I stumbled upon a website called "How Islands Form".

I'm guessing that it is a super secret government website that was never meant for my eyes, but through luck or fate, I had somehow stumbled through the back door! And now I share it here with you!:
1. An island is any comparatively small body of land completely surrounded by water.
2. Islands can form in several ways, including rising water level, growth of coral, and volcanism.
3. Plant and animal species can travel to islands by air or water.
BINGO! Number two on this list was not meant for mine eyes, but that genie can't be forced back into it's bottle! So how should I make my island? The "rising water" thing sounds easy until you realize after about two thousand toilet flushes that it doesn't really seem to work. The "volcanism" idea sounds like the most fun, but I would have absolutely no idea where to look for Spock (Genesis?).

That leaves "growth of coral" by default. I hurriedly completed my research before the security breach was discovered and the site was removed. It appeared that I would need some sea organisms for my island building pursuit. Checking my pockets, I realized that I didn't have any sea organisms. To make matters worse, I discovered that a newly formed island is nothing but a pitiful barren and windswept thing.

Then I thought to myself, "barren and windswept?" Heck, all I have to do is wait around here for that! First things first though. Does anyone know where I can get a secondhand Volleyball cheap?

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